Starting again...

How do you start over after a major dip; another episode of depression?

Shame and fear want to hold their grip over me.  But God...

Through His grace I first stand...remember to breath...pray...and then put on my running shoes and then I go.  Each slam of my foot on the concrete, birds chirping, wind blowing, and sun gleaming on my back I reach out for Hope.  Even just a little thought of gratitude turns my shame into His grace.

1 Corinthians 15:10, "But by the grace of God I am what I am and his grace and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them- yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me."

Worn- song tenth avenue north

Worn

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left


Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though, I'm worn
Yeah, I'm worn

I can't find my own words to pray, but this song is my prayer.  With all I have left I cry out for redemption and only you call heal what is dead inside.

Wrong direction!?

Ever tried to do something you know God didn't want you to do or not do something you new he was asking you to do??

Remember Jonah...God pursued Jonah even into the belly of a whale to do his will.  God called Jonah to go to Nineveh and call the people to repentance (Jonah 1:1-2).  Jonah tried to run; in fact he did in the opposite direction (vs.3) and it almost cost him his life and the life of those around him.  Foolish Jonah!

But I can look at my life and see the same behavior...I have many times known the good I was to do and have sprinted in the wrong direction.  Only to find myself knee deep in trouble; usually emotional trouble.  I was convicted on my run today that it only takes believing one lie to get me way off track.  And boy these last few weeks I have been going in the wrong direction.

So one truth at a time I am disputing the lies I have allowed to take residence.  Not resting on what others think, nor what I assume others think, but on what God thinks about me.  The only way to know what He thinks and asks of you or me is found in his word, the Bible.  He invites us to come, rest, and give him our burdens and so often I get up and go.  "Abide in me, and I will abide in you (John 15:4)."  There is my daily invitation but I all to often find myself saying "No."

Maybe I am not so different than Jonah, foolish?

At times yes!  But also have a heavenly father that is constantly steering me toward him.

Psalm 23:4, Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, the comfort me.

Fight for today

So I don't have enough in me to fight for anything other than today...

Just read a quote today from Dr Henry Cloud, this morning "ask your self, what will I have needed to be able to look back and say 'Good Day.'"  So I had already asked myself that while sitting on the floor in my bathroom catching a moment with my husband before he left.  I started a list:

• Get to know the creator that Loves me so much that he had me in mind at the creation of the world
• Love my boys...intentionally get to know them, talk to them and really listen
• Work on my bible study for abuse healing
• Take care of myself so that I can be emotionally available to my husband at the end of the day (ie exercise, nap, take a long bath etc)

I know that I don't have enough for a week or two...but I have enough for today.  So I chose to stand, look up, and fight for joy today...

Nehemiah 4:13-14, "So in the lowest parts of the space behind the wall, in open places, I stationed the people by their clans, with their swords, their spears, and their bows.  And I looked and arose and said to the nobles and to the officials and to the rest of the people, 'Do not be afraid of them.  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes." (ESV)

The Struggle

Link for a great song...let's continue struggling well..



The Struggle- Tenth Avenue North

                                                                   

















                                                                     "The Struggle"

There's a wreckage, there's a fire
There's a weakness in my love
There's a hunger I can't control
Lord I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to the chains you broke
When You came down and saved my soul
Save my soul

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

So I look, do I still fail
Do I withhold, do I still give in to temptation
On my own I am bankrupt
I will trust You, I'll take you at your word
You promise

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

Hallelujah, death is overcome
And we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
A flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
And we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
Can you feel it?

Hallelujah, death is overcome
And we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
A flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
And we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
Can you feel it?

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing
(Ooh's)

Trust

An encouraging Article about recovery: Old wound, New Pain

Old Wound, New Pain

by Sallie Culbreth, M.S.

Founder 

A few months ago, I was helping my grandson with a prop he needed for a production he was in. You'd be amazed what I can do with cardboard and magic markers! So there I was, carving out a giant Santa sled with my razor knife when . . . you guessed it - I slipped and took a pretty nice gouge out of my fingernail that went down to the nail bed. It hurt like crazy.

After awhile, the gash stopped hurting. Months passed. As my nail grew, the gouged out wound moved too. When it reached the end of my nail bed, it started hurting all over again - exposing my nail bed and leaving a nail edge that kept snagging everything.

That old wound resurfaced and I felt new pain. I stared at my throbbing finger and broken fingernail very surprised that it would suddenly hurt so much after months of nothing, but it did.

Abuse survivors are often unprepared for the pain they experience as they begin to grow. It's a mistake to assume that once you turn the soil and unearth the past that the pain vanishes like water sprayed on a scorching hot day.

Abuse recovery is rarely a linear event. There are bumps and dips, brick walls and gutters that accompany hard fought victories. Abuse recovery means personal growth. It means having the courage to look truthfully at not only what was done to you, but what you did with the damage. Abuse recovery may unfold like a labyrinth or uncoil like a snake.

To experience pain from the initial abuse is normal. To experience pain when you first address what happened to you is also normal. But as you grow, you may be surprised when you feel familiar sadness, when you grieve over things you thought you were past, when you rage over injustices you released a million times before. This too, is normal, and an authentic aspect of growth beyond abuse.

So here I am, with a throbbing finger and a ragged edge, and just like a few months ago, I'm covering it with a bandage, and ever so slightly trimming that ragged edge, knowing that one day, that gash will level off.

In your journey beyond abuse, even if old wounds bring new pain, please know that one day those jagged places will smooth out and those gashes will level off. You won't know when and you'll probably wonder how it will happen, but that's the power of caring for your wounds - old or newly felt. It levels off.

This week, take some time to care for any pain that you may find yourself in, even if that new pain has its genesis in old wounds.

© 2013